Divorcing The Narcissist Part Two: Choosing Your Path
By: Alisa Geffner
One prominent characteristic of a narcissist is their desire to control the outcome at all costs. This will become most apparent in your spouse when going through a divorce based upon several uncontrollable components, namely, your choices in the divorce process. Your spouse may attempt to “guide” you through your decisions, including even strongly suggesting who you should hire as an attorney. Many times, your spouse may try to convince you that lawyers should be avoided, and mediation is the best option.
Having representation by an attorney is imperative. Not having an attorney is like going into surgery without a doctor. A major misconception about lawyers is that they are expensive and will only inflame the situation. If you choose the appropriate attorney for you, the opposite is true. In my practice, we pride ourselves on trying to achieve quick and amicable results. However, this may not be possible when divorcing a narcissist who is usually only concerned with their own needs at the expense of yours. That is when it is imperative that you hire an attorney who can navigate the process for you and not back down to your spouse. The one thing a narcissist cannot combat are the facts. You should have an attorney who is well-prepared with information to make sure you secure a fair and reasonable result.
More likely than not, mediation with a narcissistic spouse will not achieve a favorable result. Mediation is a process in which a mediator is hired to resolve the issues in your divorce action, including custody, support and distribution of assets and liabilities. A mediator does not represent you, nor your spouse. The mediator’s main objective is to move the two spouses to the center without imparting their knowledge as to what one spouse may be entitled to or may be giving up in the deal. Where there is an unequal power struggle between two spouses, this may be a reason why mediation is not appropriate. It may be an opportunity where the one spouse bullies their position to the other spouse to get that spouse to acquiesce to their detriment. Also, if one spouse is in the dark as to the marital finances, this can represent a challenge in achieving a fair result. Many of these characteristics are common in a relationship with a narcissist. However, if you decide to attempt mediation with your spouse, you should consult with an attorney beforehand so you can strategize your position on these issues and be empowered with knowledge as you participate in mediation.
If you are about to embark upon the divorce process with a narcissistic spouse, make sure to choose the right path and advocate for yourself. You can contact a member of Geffner Kersch to help strategize the best options for you.
